Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Kendal Town vs Chester FC - Match Pre-Empt

Chester travel to Kendal tonight, attempting to further cakewalk their way towards the league title in a game being touted as "probably straightforward, but they have had the odd result".

However, Neil Young's team do have fitness worries.  Due to the petrol shortage, the squad have had to venture to Kendal on foot - setting off yesterday morning - leading to concerns that a number of players may be burnt out before kick off.  "We could've gone by train instead, but there's probably 'engineering works at Birkenhead Central' or something like that.  It'd be next week before we got there," confirmed Young.

With suspensions also looming large, the squad is looking thinner than it should, and the Blues boss has admitted that he doesn't know "which Michaels can play and which ones can't" against Kendal.

"I've heard that Antoni Sarcevic has tweeted saying he was in bits, but to be honest, he and Wes Baynes seem to say that every week so we'll just have to see," continued Young, whilst also pondering whether he should re-introduce his puffer jacket due to the "unpredictable" weather.

"I've got some proper boss fleeces but they won't give me the protection if it rains.  On the other hand, the puffer is huge, and it is a bit of a hassle to carry around if the weather turns out nice," fretted Young, whose ditching of his puffer jacket weeks ago has done nothing to remove the topic from an obsessive Jestrian home page.

Meanwhile, many fans who enjoy fun with mathematics have fainted due to the excitement brought on by the imminent match;

Michael Wilde has scored three in the last three games, Kendal have lost six out of their last six games and Chester have won seven of their last seven games - all of which is very pleasing to those whose love for numbers tips over into the "that guy was probably kicked around at school" category.  Meanwhile, Kendal have conceded either three or four goals in five out of their last six games, which is just plain cool.

Whilst it is true that Lee Ashcroft's men have lost every game for as long as anyone cares to remember, Parkside - just like every other outback to which Chester travel - is being labelled as a place that's "hard to go" as "they get decent results against the big teams", suggesting that the Champions League trophy could take up permanent residence in the Lake District, if only they could get an entry.

"Anywhere that's a bit remote and has a hint of a "Hovis accent" amongst the locals will invariably prove to be a tough nut to crack," confirmed William Tigershark, president of the Society for Peculiar Stereotypes and Parallels in Non-League Football.

Travelling supporters have pledged to boycott Kendal's social club due to its publicised row with the football club.  These scenarios usually occur once a season, with last term witnessing the Great Pie Abstinence of Chorley.

"It's important that we seek to smash the system by refusing drinks and pastries," claimed square-jawed fan Jimmy Guffaws.

Witton Albion directors have confirmed their social club will be open for disaffected Blues fans to enjoy a pre-match pint.

Games this season have been short on songs from the crowd, but if last week at North Ferriby is anything to go by, the first 15 minutes of tonight's clash will be loud, with Blues fans in attendance expected to loudly state their intention to also be at Stocksbridge on Saturday by clapping their hands twice.

"Once we've turned up, that's our job done.  The result is irrelevant, it's not about the team," explained East stand traveller Jensen Hotsoup.  "It's all about getting the recognition for being there, then moving on and attending the next nigh-on inaccessible match."

Away Travel co-ordinator Berry Hipbone has announced his plans to adopt the system for future coach bookings, eschewing his usual clipboard-laden pitchside walkabout in favour of the call-and-response method.  "If you're on the coach to Chorley, clap your hands," yelled Hipbone.  "Not after 8pm, though."

A win will see Chester's grip on the top spot tighten almost beyond reproach, whilst a defeat might at least allow people on The Devachats to worry about something other than the fact that people aren't being all loud and bouncy at drab, easy home games.

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