Planning for a rainy day

As the rain continues to pour, officials from The City Fans United are hurriedly attempting to forge contingency plans should the Exacta Stadium wind up under water by kick off in tomorrow's FA Cup replay against Gainsborough Trinity.

Rainfall in the area has been so severe that journalists Sharks Prowling and Caramel Lucy, the most prominent members of the Chester Chronicle's Gorgeous Hair Department, took to Twitter requesting information and photographs of the outrageous storm, in an attempt to fill the pages of the city's favourite chip-wrapper with stories about it.

"As a rule, you can get one column inch per inch of rain," explained Prowling.  "It's been a nightmare for drivers and residents, but it does mean that I've had a chance to one-up The Tall Peacock for a couple of days.  No-one's even interested in his 'I know Neil Young' reports whilst there's water falling out of the sky."

It is believed that the Exacta Stadium is currently brimming with water, with waves spilling out over the East Stand and into the car-park behind.

"It reminds me of that time the missus left the bath running," mused manager Young.  "Set it going, then fell asleep, didn't she?  I get home and there's water rushing down the stairs and dripping through the ceiling.  Wasn't a lost cause though, we liked the damp sofas so much that we now have them on most Merseyrail trains."

Should the water remain, club officials are believed to be reluctant to call the match off.

"We may just change the format," confirmed Chester CEO Pet Husky.  "Water Polo is one option, but Youngy reckons we might even be able to take Gainsborough down in a synchronised swimming contest.  Apparently Dave Hankin can hold his breath for like thirty seconds, so we should have the edge if it comes to that."

Blues media officer Jaffa Cakes is confident that a proper game of football can still be salvaged, but indicated that fans may be needed to help out.

"There's a few pint glasses in the Blues Bar these days," commented Cakes.  "Basically, if we can get a few volunteers down the Exacta, arm them each with a tankard and set 'em to work scooping out the flood-water we should be able to get the pitch clear in time for kick off.  We can probably even sell the water we scoop up as the new Spitting Feathers variation - give it a witty, topical name like Howard's Shiny Teeth and no-one will even notice they're drinking muddy precipitation."

With the weather forecast indicating that the weather should have eased by tomorrow, the more immediate worry for the club lies in the fact that a whale has taken up residence in a rain-filled pothole in the car-park.

"We've been meaning to sort those holes," lamented Cakes.  "We've been lax about it, and I guess we've paid the price.  Don't even know how the big guy got in there, but there's a real concern that he might misinterpret any chants of 'we all hate Wales' eminating from the Harry Mac, and get depressed about it."

Fans planning to attend have been reassured that Neil Young does still have a limited number puffer jackets that can be handed out and used as floatation devices in case of emergency, but these will be allocated on a first come first serve basis.