Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Set strikers to score

Chester's potential signing of Ben Mills remains up in the air, following allegations this morning that the forward is literally a goal-machine, manufactured by Sports Droids PLC.

"You think the 'Milbot' is a celebration?  No, it's the name of the model.  He's a Milbot v2.0," insisted a disgruntled former employee of the highly secretive company, who wishes to remain unnamed.

"He's programmed to score goals.  Why do you think he can't get in at Macclesfield?  You've seen them play for years - they've never had a player this good.  No, they just know how controversial it would be if people found out they had a cyborg up front."

Evidence in support of these claims includes the sheer volume of goals netted by Mills this season, his remarkable stamina, the fact that he glides around the pitch more like a tank than a human being and his swift recovery from a potentially lethal fall against Guiseley on Saturday.  He is also said to emit a high-pitched whirring sound if you stand close enough.  In spite of this, officials at Chester have moved to rubbish the reports.

"It's nonsense," spluttered an off-guard club physio Will Osbourne, hurriedly hiding a can of WD40.  "Ben is a top lad, and by no means the product of years of highly skilled engineering."

Meanwhile, those players who have roomed with Mills for away games have not been drawn on allegations that, rather than sleeping of a night, the former Nantwich man merely lays flat and plugs himself into the mains.

The accusations have found a mixed response from fans, with some unable to identify why it is an issue at all.

"People are saying that if you wind up with teams full of robots, it'll result in the game being played by unidentifiable mercenaries with no personality and no regard for their club, its history or its fans who just perform their given task, give monotonous answers in press conferences and then pick up their pay-cheque," mused Blues fan Ted Chickpeas.  "But in reality, how is that any different to what Man City currently have?"

Whilst Chronicle Ink-Jedi and Jestrian-created celebrity The Tall Peacock has reported that a price tag of 10k and Mills's wish to play full-time football could be stumbling blocks in the striker's proposed move, manager Neil Young has indicated that he has other concerns.

"I'm reluctant to sign Ben unless Macclesfield can provide a full service history for him.  No, wait... er... I mean his medical records.  Yeah.  What?  Medical records, that's it," stumbled the Blues boss.

FA rules do not currently allow robots to be selected in a football team, but when was the last time they paid attention to something happening outside the Premier League?

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