Whitby Town 0-4 Chester FC - Match Report
Chester beat Whitby 4-0 on Saturday. So yeah... that happened...
A dull and Drury affair
ITV 'commentator' Peter Drury angered Chester fans this weekend when he made ill-informed comments explaining Chester's absence from the FA Cup.
During the televised FC Halifax vs Charlton clash, which many Chester fans watched in the hope of finding excuses to slate Jamie Rainford, Drury incorrectly and disrespectfully slurred that Chester were not in this year's FA Cup due to "various misdemeanours over the years."
In retaliation, CFC media man Jeff Building Societies announced that Drury would be replaced by Clive Tyldesley for ITV's next batch of live football due to "numerous acts of treachery and mischief spanning several decades."
"Two can play that game," he snarled.
Taking a pun-t on Holden
Luke Holden has tempered expectations that he may sign permanently after publically announcing that he is fed up with team-mates making puns on his name.
"It all started with Youngy telling me to Holden to the ball when I have space. Then John Danby started talking about when he played for Chester City in the Holden days. When I came on as a sub for Jerome Wright on debut, Cleggy announced that the substitution was 'Holden, on for a hero'. I wouldn't have minded, but it was an away game, I don't even know how he got hold of the mic."
The Jestrian asked Gary Jones about the situation;
"Holden? There's Amanda have in your team!" roared the assistant boss before wheeling away and high-fiving Gary Powell.
Reports have also surfaced that on Thursday, Robbie Booth turned up singing Oasis's Stop Crying Your Heart Out, but with the lyrics "Holdeeeeeeeeen. Holdeeeeeeeeen. Don't be scared."
In breaking news, the joke is now widely accepted as having gone too far after events at pub quiz last night, attended by Holden, Alex Brown, Liam Brownhill, Michael Taylor and CEO Cluttery Path. When asked the question "which football league team plays its home games at Boundary Park?", Alex Brown hilariously wrote the answer 'Holden Athletic', causing his team to miss out on the £100 cash prize by one point. Angered, Taylor went to punch Brown for his japery before the midfielder warned him, "don't mess with me, I'm scary."
In a staggeringly frank interview, Michael Powell has admitted that he is reluctant for Chester FC to win promotion this year.
"It's a tough conflict of interests, as we get loads of free Evo-Stik products in this league, and I use their 'Super Fix Putty' to maintain my quiff. If we get promoted to the Blue Square, I'm going to lose that perk. Maybe I'll be able to get a free bet, win a shedload of cash, then I can buy a big bucket of Super Fix Putty straight from the Evo-Stik warehouses, but it's not a sure thing. I miss the Southport days. I was paid a fair whack there, and could afford to buy No More Nails. My hair has never looked better."