Trivial pursuits

Chester fans are clamouring for a return to the days of financial turmoil and managerial incompetence, after it was revealed that the current burning issues around the club have reached critical levels of tedium.

New caterers Chester Races have faced criticism of the food on offer inside the Exacta this season and, whilst it is correct that a casserole wearing a pastry hat does not constitute a pie, the fact that this has become the number one point of contention for fans is a cause for concern.

"I don't know what's happened to me," admitted Carlton Pincushion, West Stand regular.

"Remember back in the day, when the players weren't getting paid?  That was pretty outrageous - had some right good debates about that.  Now I'm logging on to Deva Chat furiously offering pie recipes.  It's like I've lost all perspective in life."

Meanwhile, unable to find anything to moan about on the pitch, some fans have taken to the internet to insult stadium announcer and all round nice guy Cleggy.

"I've taken to hanging round outside the stadium, smashing the bulbs out of any car with its lights left on, just so that I don't have to hear Cleggy make extra announcements," said one fan who clearly needs some real problems in life.

The situation could spiral out of control, says Professor Harry Riverbanks from The Royal Institute of Things That Actually Matter in Hemel Hempstead.

"I first noticed a problem when Blues fans started mithering about the fact that they didn't get to vote on what colour the players' socks would be this season," commented Prof Riverbanks,

"If things continue on this trajectory then, by 2015, there will be complaints about the brand of window sealant used at the ticket office, or about the stitching of the stewards' coats.

"You can't start kicking off about every minor annoyance in life.  Otherwise, I'd have freaked out by now about the sheer number of people who seem to think it's acceptable to use the phrase 'Om Nom Nom', or the fact that I've still no idea what the Scroll Lock button on my computer keyboard does."

Meanwhile, the culture of lamenting the trivial has crept into the dressing room, where manager Neil Young is allegedly threatening to not travel to Solihull at the weekend unless he is allowed a bigger whiteboard in his office at the Exacta.