Monday, 4 February 2013

Chester FC 0-0 Brackley Town - Match Cough

Chester fought out their second 0-0 draw of the new year on Saturday, after Brackley Town turned up and reminded us all of why we're trying to get promoted.

A dull, stodgy, stop start affair with nothing to recommend it, the Super Bowl happened yesterday.   But Saturday's match was pretty dreadful too.

Brackley arrived in the team bus, parked it front on the goal, and occasionally gazed out of the window to ensure that none of their number had snuck off in an attempt to win the game.

"Do you remember the time that tennis ace David Nalbandian got disqualifed from a Queens Club final for kicking a line judge?", enquired statistician Winston Calculator.  "It was pretty much like that against Brackley - the unnecessary booting of fellow human beings, a match official that probably should have stayed at home and you couldn't call any of it football."

Indeed, statistics provided by Spitting Feathers Opta indicate that the match contained just 2% football, an all-time record low.  The other 98% was made up of unpredictable toots of the referees whistle (33%), a raging debate as to why Iain Howard isn't allowed more than five minutes (20%), Brackley's expert timewasting (16%) and horse meat (29%).  It was also confirmed that at one stage, every fan in the ground gave up on the match in front of them and immersed themselves in their smartphones, with 60% watching cat videos on YouTube as a more entertaining alternative.

Meanwhile, midfielder Ashley Williams put pen to paper on a new deal following reassurances that the club will never have to play Brackley again.

"We stuck a release clause in the contract in case we both stay down, or we both go up," admitted manager Neil Young.  "I understand the lad's concerns.  To be fair, if we do ever have to play them again, I may quit and go back to the trains myself.  At least there it's other people's time we waste."

The match did, however, also confirm that certain Chester fans probably don't really deserve a football club.  With time ticking away and the Blues in full pursuit of a winner, spectators started to mill out of the main stand - one supporter even stopping on his way out in order to hand the ball back to Wes Baynes, who was waiting to take an attacking throw-in.

"No, it wasn't a demoralising sight for me at all," responded Baynes after the match.  "True - we're fighting hard to win a tough game that these guys have paid to see and supposedly want us to win and just when we need to feed off the fans to make that final push, they're walking out on us.  But on the other hand, the car park gets a bit crowded at full time and it probably breaches their human rights to have to queue, or something."

The result means that Guiseley can now pull themselves within two points of the Blues if they win all of their games in hand, leading to rumours that the new board have enquired as to whether they can pay Danny Toronczak to play against The Lions on the last day when they host Hinckley United.

No comments:

Post a Comment