Chester take on Buxton tonight in a clash that you sense nobody really wants to be involved in. The prospects of standing in a cold, presumably muddy outpost such as Buxton as winter sets in is certainly not a mouth watering prospect, especially with the more attractive clash with FC United just days later. Buxton is well known for being one of those peculiar places that the away supporters coach used to pass through whilst travelling to some depressing hovel like Chesterfield, and for being named after a cheap water manufacturer.
Mainly, this is an opportunity for fans who attend the fixture to slap themselves on the back whilst berating those who didn’t go. One fan, who wished to remain unnamed, has revealed that he has a seasonal bug and may have to miss the game. He went on to comment that he is now living in fear of the reprisals which will come from his fellow supporters;
“I had to miss the FC United game earlier in the season due to prior commitments and at the next home game, it felt like everyone was looking at me; judging me” said the shaky-voiced supporter.
The Waterboys have had a mixed start to the season. Despite boasting the league’s top scorer in Kieran Lugsden, the defence has proved a little leaky as the goals filter through with alarming regularity. Chester will be hoping to tap into these defensive frailties, according to striker Chris Simm;
"We'll have to aquat ourselves well. Hopefully we can trick 'll of the Buxton lads with our slick passing game. The missus is coming along for this one. Me and 'er are gonna stay over. We've had to reserv' oir table for dinner afterwards. And for those questioning my commitment, I want to say that I'm up for dis still. I know I turned up lake at Nantwich but I've got the minerals, and we're in sparkling form. That's why everyone should get on the Blues Player - it's a top revenue stream for the club and you get to see some great footy."
This interview later turned out to be even stranger that it had first appeared when it transpired that far from being deliberate, Simm was completely unaware of the string of tenuous puns he had used.
Buxton have been boosted by the return of former Chester bench-warmer Mark Reed, who recently produced a bizarre outrage at Blues fans, lambasting them for criticising him during his time at the Exacta. The allegations came as a surprise to the Blues faithful, many of whom had considered Reed to be a honest, hard worker who kept his head down and got on with it, whilst others had assumed he was a fan who had won a competition to come onto the pitch at half time and boot the ball into the net over and over.
"Criticise Mark Reed? For what? I don't think he even had a chance to get anything wrong, did he?" muttered a fan who we harrassed into giving an interview even though he clearly didn't want to do it.
Manager Neil Young has often altered his tactics for difficult away journeys, and tonight’s trip will be no different.
“I’ve asked Gary Jones to nip to Sainsbury’s before the game and get a crate of Volvic. We’ll pass it around the lads during breaks in play, just to wind the Buxton-suppers up” grinned Young.
“We’ll be shouting stuff like ‘show some Volcanicity’ from the bench, and asking the fans to yell that they prefer tap water.”
“A lot of the lads genuinely prefer Evian anyway.”
Meanwhile, Iain Howard is hoping to unveil a one off special celebration if he scores.
“It will be like Gazza at Euro 96” chuckled the ripped winger.
“I lie down screaming and flexing, then Simmo’s gonna spray Vittel all over my face – that’ll show them.”