Friday, 21 October 2011

Chester FC vs A Team From Ashton - Match Preview

Chester take a break from league action tomorrow night as they welcome Ashton to the Exacta Stadium in an FA Trophy clash. 

The Trophy is at least 14 times more dull than the FA Cup, yet 15 times more lucrative than the Cheshire Senior Cup, although historically the Senior Cup holds higher comedy value. The competition has seen Chester accomplish some feats that many never thought they’d see. You’d certainly question the odds on a Dean Spink hat trick away at Solihull, including one effort where he reportedly ‘ran’ from the half way line before slotting it past the keeper. Rather than celebrate with Spink, his team mates preferred to individually quiz Solihull players, asking if they could provide details of their whereabouts roughly 30 seconds previous when Spink uncharacteristically waltzed through unchallenged.

With tomorrow’s game looming, programme editor Robbie Mashtoft is running a tight deadline with the match day programme due to delays with the away players details, as nobody really knows which Ashton team Chester are due to play. The normally mild-mannered editor reportedly had to delete two hours work when he discovered it definitely wasn’t Ashton Rake FC.

“For Pete’s sake!” ranted Mashtoft.

“How many teams does this place need?!  Is it even a big place?  Why don’t they all get together and form one unstoppable Ashton force?  If nobody tells me which Ashton is it, I’m gonna start makin’ up names.  Would anyone actually care?”

This issue has also played havoc with Neil Young’s pre-match preparations. “There is an inexcusable amount of Ashton-based teams. To cover all eventualities we sent scouts to all 17 games involving teams from Ashton last weekend and, fingers crossed, one of them will turn up on Saturday” confirmed the Blues Chief.

One change to the line-up which started against FC United will be the loss of Chris Simm. The livewire striker slipped on a comedy banana skin whilst at home, causing considerable damage to his wrists, and street cred. 

“It’s a big blow” groaned Young. 

“Matty McNeil and Wildey Mike are quite similar and we’re still working with Jamie, but at least we’ve still got Bradders to chip in... oh”.

Former Marine man Jamie Rainford seems most likely to benefit from Simm’s wrecked wrists, but the forward has struggled to win some fans over due to a selfish streak, which recently saw him declare that “there’s no need” to pass to team mates.

“I’ll give him a chance when he starts making them for his team mates” said Oscar Tame, C Block regular, attempting to turn a phrase but not quite nailing it.

Admission prices have been reduced for the game, hoping to entice people to attend a game that has the potential to be more nauseating than that Johnny off the X Factor. Dee 106.3 will cover the game if Sky Sports Pundit Dane Pinningsberg is up on time, though Blues Live figures are expected to be low due to the fact they are charging for the privilege of listening to what promises to be a horrendously dull affair.  Even increasingly popular Chronicle journalist The Tall Peacock has confirmed that he will be missing the game.

Meanwhile, posters have been placed in local venues in order to advertise the game, with the strap line 'It could get reasonable... at some stage... we hope' which replaced the original promise of ‘Super Saturday’ which was pulled by Trading Standards.

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