Fitness is the key according to Blues boss Neil Young as his team go into Saturdays clash with Chasetown after the team’s excellent form has been halted by an unfortunate week and a half break from competitive action. Unlike professionals, the squad do not train on a daily basis and Young is concerned about what state the players may come back in.
“Last season when we had a few days off, Michael Wilde came back looking like a gigantic orange and George Horan was an amorphous blob” explained the manager.
“I’m wise to it this time. For example, we know that Liam Brownhill likes jammy dodgers so we’ve asked him to try and eat Weight Watchers cookies as an alternative just until the lads are playing regularly again. Liam gets a little touchy about his figure ever since he asked Simmo if he thought his bum looked big in the pink kit.”
Young confirmed that Gary Jones has been asked to monitor fitness levels at the next training session, specifically using the ‘pinch an inch’ technique and also a power walk from the Exacta to the Northgate Arena where BiG Lupus will be waiting with a basket of 20ps ready to insert them into a weighing machine to obtain the squad’s current weight levels. Any whoppers who are a few pounds over the limit will be forced to endure countless re-runs of Mr Motivator’s popular fitness DVD ‘BLT Workout’ before running a half marathon in the old Roman mascot costume from the Terry Smith era, which was recently found in a cupboard at the Exacta Stadium by board member and Mark Benton lookalike Dark Owl.
In the absence of the luxury of a club dietician, Young has sought advice from contacts who have helped him compile a lists of foods that can be eaten on matchday.
“We’ve asked the lads to eat Shreddies for breakfast as I’ve been reliably informed that they help keep hunger locked up until lunch – this helps to cut out needless snacking. We’ve also introduced Mars bars as I’ve heard that just one of them can help you work, rest and play and this is vital for lads who are working in the morning before a game”.
The squad have taken to the new eating habits.
“I had a plastering gig in the morning before the Stocksbridge game. The Mars bar helped me get through the work, helped me to rest (somehow) and then I was more than ready to play – bob on” raved Iain Howard
Meanwhile, Young himself has taken to drinking Red Bull in order to give him the confidence to field both Iain Howard and Robbie Booth, on the basis that “Red Bull gives you wingers”.