Friday, 14 October 2011

FC United Manchester vs Chester FC - Match Preview

The Blues hope to return to winning ways on Saturday when they travel to Bury's Gigg Lane to face that perplexing Manchester United spin-off. The journey has been welcomed by Chester supporters, as it makes a welcome change from travelling to a cesspit of despair and having to queue for an inhumane amount of time to acquire a thin, pricy cheeseburger. Despite the buzzwords that are rolled out at most Chester away games, such as ‘friendly’, ‘quaint’ and ‘made to feel welcome’, there’s no doubt that it will be fun to pretend we're a bit big time again, just for a day. 

Manager Neil Young will hope to see his team get back on track after their winning run was halted at Buxton on Wednesday evening. Many supporters questioned the decision to drop Chris Simm, forcing Young to offer the following explanation;

“Look, Buxton is a place with inexplicable weather, so we pretty much figured we needed to take the playing surface out of the equation. Simmo was unlucky, but if he was more beastly and perhaps 7ft tall he could have started. The other problem is that Michael Wilde is fit, and it's a bit like on Champ Manager, when you've got a couple of strikers in form, but you know the guy returning from injury has 20 for finishing.  To be honest, I was hoping to quit without saving the game after the Buxton draw, and play the match again without dropping Simmo. But Gary Jones reminded me that you can't pull that trick in real life because of the strict nature of the space/time continuum.  Weirdest post-match debrief ever."

Jerome Wright is certain to miss the trip to his former club, and has been advised by Mediocre Manchester Police to avoid Gigg Lane completely.

“Jerome unwisely decided to progress his career by joining a better-supported club with their own ground, and earn more for doing so. It’s still a bit raw for Norwich fans, and we’ve been monitoring internet forums to foil potential threats” said PC Goon, from those Enid Blyton novels.

Another doubt for Saturday’s trip is Matty McGinn. Despite making an appearance from the bench on Wednesday, he revealed to Evening Leader reporter Tennis Ball that he has a calf problem;

“She’s still young and I don’t want to leave her on her own for a while. She still needs to be bottle fed regularly and isn’t quite ready to join the rest of the herd yet.”

FC United are an odd club, with a worse identity crisis than an eyeliner-drenched teenage boy. Their fanbase regularly sings old-school Manchester United songs, which bear no relevance to the new club.

"Oh, I am so sick of this criticism" said FC United fan Rick Bucknell.

"We're still proud of the pre-Glazer days, when it wasn't all about the capitalist corporate agenda.  Our protest is against the Glazer regime, but we still have fond memories of the days when we used to toss away 28 million on players like Juan Sebastien Veron - you know, before it became about stupid money."

In response to this, away regulars have hinted that they may follow the trend on Saturday.

“We’ve consulted supporters via Facebook and we reckon it will be really cool to sing ‘Stuart Hicks wrestles bears’, ‘Wake me up, before Agogo’ and ‘Goran Milosavijevic is f’in brilliant’” rasped supporters coach regular Jerry McWhippy.

Meanwhile, some Eisteins from genius factory The Deva Chat have suggested waving American flags and singing "USA, USA" in order to wind up the FCUM fans, which would definitely be hilarious and by no means massively and moronically hypocritical given the misery which American owner Terry Smith inflicted upon Chester City in the 90s. 

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