Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Danny Toronczak love-in reaches critical levels of cringe

The Chester FC board today issued a warning that the hero-worshipping of former Ossett Albion forward Danny Toronczak by some Blues fans has been upgraded from "a bit cringeworthy" to "oh come on, you're embarrassing us all now."

Toronczak scored two goals against Skelmersdale on the last day of last season to ensure that Chester went up on goals difference, following a pathetic run-in which culminated in a majorly bottled 2-1 defeat to Garforth, leaving Cestrians hoping that Skem's margin of victory wasn't something unrealistic like eight goals or something.  The Skemmers went on to score a hatful, but Toronczak's brace dug Chester out of their ridiculous hole and, since then, the centre forward has attracted disproportionate levels of adulation from some Blues.

"I love him more than my kids" said Henry Japekins, glaring maniacally before eating The Jestrian's dictaphone.

The final standings meant that every goal on the final day was unbelievably vital, but whilst Toronczak will reportedly "never have to buy a beer in Chester again", Michael Powell, who netted for Chester in their actual game at Garforth, can't even drink beer in Chester in case someone has spat in it.

"Ah, there's an easy explanation for that" said Gary Hot-Dog, West Stand regular.

"Danny scored his goals without being an improvement on Bradley Barnes."

Meanwhile, Lancaster's Alex Johnson, who banged home a last minute winner at Giant Axe against Skelmersdale, is reportedly upset that he hasn't received the same adoration as Toronczak.

"My goal put the title back in Chester's hands" whimpered Johnson.

"Without it, Skem would have had an extra point - that's not some goals difference lottery, it’s an actual point.  Danny who?  It was all over by the last day really.  I should be the hero.  I should get the girl.  Why is the princess always in another castle?!"

We edged away nervously.

But it turns out that plenty of other characters have come forward to try and get a piece of Toronczak's fame.  The ref who sent off Steve Akrigg during Chester's 4-0 dismantling of Skem earlier that season has been spotted hovering around the Dublin Packet waiting for someone to buy him a drink and Salford City's Jordan Goodeve, who scored his team's second goal in a 2-2 draw with Skelmersdale in early November 2010, confirmed his availability for a half time interview at Chester's next home game.

Meanwhile, Phil Wood, the Ossett keeper past whom Skem struck seven final-day goals, confirmed that he received threatening mail seemingly originating from the Chester area containing messages such as "Toronczak has saved your life".

Chester has a history of rewarding others for their success.  In 2004, then-Hereford boss Graham Turner was given freedom of the city for failing to beat the Blues to the Conference title.

No comments:

Post a Comment