Monday, 27 February 2012

Chester FC 4-0 Buxton FC - Match Distillery

Chester endured a comfortable afternoon as they swept aside struggling Buxton 4-0 at the Exacta Stadium.

On a Saturday where Junior Blues members were allowed to help out with key roles around the ground, Chester fans were given a shock when the starting XI was revealed, with The Jestrian's Thursday exclusive on Adam Judge being replaced by a small child winding up comically close to the truth.

Judge was axed from the team with Neil Young favouring new signing Matt Glennon, a goalkeeper he found on Friday night whilst idly clicking the “random page” button on Wikipedia.

Glennon joins Chester following a career in the lower reaches of the Football League as well as the less remarkable Scottish Premier League, his most notable achievement being a goal scored for St Johnstone, going upfield in the last minute to lash home from six yards.

"He's more prolific than Judgey, and if nothing else he'll provide competition for Simmo" explained Blues gaffer Young, who confided that Judge broke down in tears upon being given the news and that even the tried and tested "it's not you, it's me" consolation failed to comfort the cast-aside stopper.

"It's like that episode of Thomas the Tank Engine.  Thomas broke a wheel, and Percy was excited to step up to the challenge.  But then the Fat Controller brought in a more experienced train to do Thomas's route.  It was hard on Perce, but the big man felt it was a decision he had to make," explained rail enthusiast Young, unusually sporting a top hat.

"Oh he's always doing this," grumbled wife, Mrs Young.  "One time we had a fire at our house, and we had an extinguisher in the kitchen, but Neil said it wasn't up to the job, so he went to B&Q to get another one.  By the time he got back, half the house had burnt away."

On the field, Chester broke the deadlock early when Chris Simm scored past Scott Hartley, a man who suffered the second-worst afternoon of any goalkeeper in the Chester region.

Simm wheeled away trying to remember how to celebrate a goal but was left hanging when he looked to milk a high-five from an empty South Stand.

The Blues doubled their advantage in bizarre fashion on the half hour mark, Wesley Baynes angering fans by launching a free kick into orbit from just inside the Buxton half, before watching it finally land in the corner of the goal.

"But did he MEAN it?" demanded furious and confused East Stand regulars.

Hartley was in the thick of it again just before half time, when he handled outside the area without the officials taking any notice.

Blues Assistant Gary Jones politely put his hand up and pointed out Hartley's crime, causing the referee to profusely apologise for the mishap before booking the keeper, the incident in no way similar to events at Northwich when the Vics management team were accused of harrassing the referee's assistant into the sending off of Michael Powell and his quiff.

Further salt was rubbed into Judge's gaping wounds when half time arrived, with a man who once scored a couple of goals for Ossett Albion welcomed to the Exacta Stadium like a returning war hero.  Despite having kept clean sheets in crucial wins at Clitheroe, Chorley and - most importantly of all - Skelmersdale, his contribution to Chester's championship is now eclipsed by that of Danny Toronczak, who was introduced to the crowd as "the man whose goals won us the title last season".

Michael Wilde's protests went largely unheard as he was later found gagged and bound in a Yorkshire-registered car blocking an emergency exit, whilst Michael Powell, dropped to the bench to defend Chester's fair play award, muttered something about scoring in every game of the final month, but was drowned out by Judge's gnashing teeth.

Into the second half, Chris Simm netted another by slotting under the increasingly tragic Scott Hartley before Chester rounded off the scoring in the 64th minute when Hartley came tearing off his goal line to impressively intercept a through ball, before tooting a comedy horn and laying the ball off to Baynes who lashed the ball into the empty net from distance, whilst Hartley retreated on a unicycle.

Following the match, Young praised the reinstated Baynes, telling Chronicle big dog The Tall Peacock that if he had scored those goals in the Premier League, "we'd be watching them for years." 

"Actually, we should be watching them for years regardless of context, but I'm not paying thirty quid for all that Blue$ Player nonsense - Youngy's no mug."


And in breaking news, Adam Judge has announced that he is to leave the club.  In an exclusive interview, the disappointed net guardian explained his reasons.

"It’s like being in a relationship that you know is doomed, but then she shows you some attention, so you get your hopes up, before she finally twists the knife in and dumps you for Stockport’s reserve goalkeeper,” frowned Judge.

No comments:

Post a Comment