Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Ritual Humiliation

Matt Glennon has today spoken of the gruelling rituals through which his new team mates have put him as part of his initiation at Chester.

Riled by the departure of their close friend Adam Judge, Neil Young's squad spent Monday playing all manner of practical jokes on the new shot stopper.

"Michael Powell told me to go to the end of Bumpers Lane for a long stand," recounted Glennon.  "I was waiting there ages, then Michael Wilde turned up and hit me with a long stand."

Glennon returned to the Exacta to find his car on top of the Harry McNally Terrace, Iain Howard having hired a crane especially for the job.

"I know some guys in the trade," explained plasterer Howard, with a knowing wink.

Later, during the afternoon training session, Wes Baynes smashed a ball 80 yards into Glennon's face, leaving onlookers to debate whether or not he meant it.

Predictably, Scary Alex Brown took things too far, kidnapping Glennon and locking him in a darkened room with a pack of sleeping rottweilers.  After informing Glennon that there were five alarm clocks in the room, attached to a series of pressure pads underneath the floor boards, Brown left the room cackling at the top of his lungs.

Worse than the physical jokes, perhaps, were the verbal taunts that the new goalie was forced to endure.
"They found out that I played in the Scottish Premier," sobbed Glennon.  "I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.  I mean, these guys are semi-pro, but they do have some standards."

Another new face at the Exacta is Marc Williams, but he has largely avoided the Glennon treatment, by virtue of meeting up with former Wrexham colleagues Christian Smith, Wes Baynes, Levi Mackin and Chronicle busybody The Tall Peacock.

"Yeah, Peacock used to report on Wrexham games," said Williams.

"Oh, sure, he gives it the big 'I'm a Chester fan' routine now, but he used to be a red.  Sharks Prowling, he's the real deal, but Peacock's a shady mercenary.  Believe me, first chance he gets, he'll be working for the Liverpool Echo and that Twitter feed will be full of stuff about Gerrard and Suarez.  Goes where the money is."

Meanwhile, speaking out about the depature of Judge, Neil Young has described the decision to bring in a replacement keeper as “the hardest of my career.”  He did, however, go on to qualify this statement.

"In football, I mean.  The hardest decision of my working life was when the Wirral Line went down at Christmas back in ’99."

"I had to cancel all the trains, and some people couldn't get home. One guy came into my office and screamed at me about how he needed to get back to give his son his Christmas present - a train set. Struck
by the irony, I burst out laughing.  The fella hit me, and I regained consciousness just in time to sing Auld Lang Syne with Gary Jones. Bit of a tradition, like."

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