Thursday, 23 February 2012

Those pesky kids

The Junior Blues are set to take over at the Exacta on Saturday in a spate of unpaid child labour long thought to have been eradicated in the UK.

Match day duties such as selling programmes and hissing details of substitutions over the PA system will be carried out by children, which sounds nice but will probably get a bit annoying for anyone who doesn't have kids after about five minutes.

Concerns have been raised that the club have gone too far with the scheme.  Neil Young was seen storming from the Exacta last night, having been told that he has been replaced as manager for the day by "Young Neil", 8, from Blacon.

"The gaffer's seething," confirmed Gary Powell.  "To be fair, though, I think we'll adapt to the change pretty well.  Young Neil is similar to Neil Young in many respects.  He loves Thomas the Tank Engine."

Meanwhile, the Bipkiss family have spoken of their excitement at their son Harry, 6, being allowed to partake in matchday activities.

"My little lad, walking round the pitch with a clipboard, booking people on his Trunki for the Frickley trip?  I've never been so proud," beamed his father.

It's not all good news, however.  With kids staffing the Blues Bar, there will be no alcohol sold, and takings are expected to plummet.

"I don't think they've thought it through," said new Blues Bar manager, Raving Larry.  "I'm gonna be broke before I'm in the door."

Adam Judge is also distraught, having been told he has lost his place once again to a 7 year old named after every member of the Conference title-winning side, whilst Grenville Millington has forged his birth certificate so that he can participate.

"There's nothing I won't get involved with," smiled Gren, who'll go by the name Tyrone for the weekend.

Whilst the whole "JB Day" is being presented as an advert for the Junior Blues and a drive to get more youngsters to the Exacta, conspiracy theorists have an alternative idea. "It's a ploy by media-velcro Jiff Bricks to name the day after himself," murmured the shadowy outline of a shark, prowling in a smoke-filled room.

"He'll stop at nothing with his shameless self-promotion.  He couldn't get his name on it, so he settled for his initials.  JB Day sounds all nice and happy, but it's one man's attempt to hijack the match for himself.  He's been dreaming of a JB Day at Chester FC since he was a lad.  And now he's making it a reality as we all stand back and let him."

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