Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Chester FC vs Chorley Town FC Match Preview

With the much anticipated grudge clash against Chorley Town Albion Rangers FC fast approaching, Scientists have moved to dispel rumours that Chorley are more hated than traditional enemies Wrexham.

Since the away fixture last season, where a pensioner was struck by an airborne brick, innocent Chester fans were ushered by authorities into mobs of frothing Burberry-clad, pizza-faced youths, and a fence was shaken with frightening rage, many have taken to popular forum The Devachat to suggest that they in fact despise Chorley more than the well endowed floodlight gang up the A483.

Dr Arnold Merrick of Chester University commented, "We'd heard about these allegations and thought it would be worth investigating. We took a random sample of 80s throwbacks from H Block, fresh-faced families from the West Stand, pre-pubescent Haribo lovers from the Harry Mac and Happy Clappers from the Main Stand, conducted a rigorous questionnaire and took blood samples. This was all incorporated into the end equation that took into account the years of hate, the severity of previous incidents, the proximity of the clubs and how relevant they currently are. This led us to the conclusion that the dislike for Chorley is indeed real but is destined to be only short lived, and that the historical rivalry with laughable neighbours Wrexham will always exist.  This is due to the fact that whilst it stings to admit it, Wrexham FC is actually a real football club whilst Chorley FC is a joke with a bad punchline."

Fans initially doubted this conclusion, and submitted further evidence to Dr Merrick that they really do hate Chorley by coming up with hilarious nicknames like 'Chorscum' and 'Boreley'. After a period of head-shaking and rolling of the eyes, this evidence was rightly tossed in the bin.

"Of course the main finding is that in a world where things like abject poverty and racism exist, using terms like 'hate' for a sports team from a place where you could have been born if the ambulance had gone a slightly different way is the sign of a complete tool" furthered Merrick.

Meanwhile, Neil Young's squad will be full of confidence going into arguably the season's most important game to date. Young has the magic formula of having a squad rich in goal scoring talent but also a miserly back line. The Chester rearguard have in fact become so stingy that George Horan has removed his childrens' pocket money privileges and Matty McGinn now does his big shop at Lidl. John Danby's laundry bills have also increased as the shot-stopper has become unhealthily obsessed with clean sheets.  Indeed the record-breaking keeper was recently found in his home, clutching a recently steam-cleaned duvet, rocking back and forth and muttering "my precious!"

Following reports of over-the-top celebrations against Stafford, Iain Howard is reportedly working on new ways to celebrate his goals.  However, in line with recent developments at the club, Howard will be charging a subscription fee for those who wish to see more exuberant celebrations.

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