Thursday, 15 March 2012

Be Prepared

Neil Young has exclusively revealed in the local media that his players “couldn’t be more physically or mentally prepared” for the title run-in - a claim which is in stark contrast to this time last year, when the players became “emotionally crippled, physically drained and a little bit teary at times”.

Blues gaffer Young has faced a challenge to keep the momentum going following the free weekend, and has utilised some revolutionary techniques in order to keep his men fit and raring to go.

“We organised a game of British Bulldogs on Tuesday. It’s great for fitness with the short, sharp bursts and it’s useful for our defenders to practice marking their man,” remarked Young.

This exercise led to momentary concern when assistant-football-manager-to-a-rail-company-manager Gary Jones went “too far”, belly flopping young Joe Ormrod into the dugout rather than using the approved technique of 'tagging'.  The midfielder was out cold for at least a minute before he thankfully regained consciousness, as Jones refused to apologise to Ormrod’s mother.

"It's a man's game," muttered the jowly assistant, as he traipsed away.

Cuddly BiG Lupus was the eventual winner of the contest.  Skilfully evading Stefan Cox, he cheekily waved back at the winger as he strutted to glory, before embarking on a celebratory lap of the Exacta Stadium.

“Coxy nearly grabbed his tail but Lupo has shown his pace and fully deserved to win,” enthused Young.

The club have booked Chester’s Lazer Quest complex for further drills, designed to ensure concentration at all times.  The management are hoping that this will help the strikers to hit the target more regularly and also provide a rush for the squad by making them feel like they are blasting the living snot out of someone with a red beam, whilst crouching on a fake bridge.

The players have also been asked to complete Sudoku puzzles with a view to keeping themselves mentally sharp.

“We do this at Merseyrail sometimes, especially if I’m pulling a nightshift and there’s not a lot going on.  It keeps Youngy on the ball. I’m hoping this will prevent us from conceding sloppy goals,” explained Young.

Reports have since emerged that the Sudoku puzzles bamboozled striker Chris Simm, who compensated by using the grids in order to play some tense rounds of noughts and crosses against himself.

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