Monday, 26 March 2012

Matlock Town vs Chester FC - Match Yawn

Chester overcame Matlock Town 1-0 on Saturday, in a game described by many as "certainly 90 minutes”.

It was a day of unlikely goings on, as the sun showed its face mid-March, and 9ft tall Stoke forward Peter Crouch scored what is likely to be considered the goal of the season.  Meanwhile, local farmer Giles Cropcraft filed a report that four of his pigs have learnt to fly whilst the police have confirmed that there were several sightings of fish riding bicycles.

If the fans were expecting the excitement to extend itself to Causeway Lane, however, they were to be sadly disappointed.  Neither team did anything of much interest in the first half, as both managers had apparently told their teams to ensure that no-one had anything to talk about at half time.

"I ended up talking to my mate about the more serious issues in life, and it turns out that he's an awful bigot," sighed Blues fan Gerald Candlesticks.  "If Chester had managed just one shot in the first half, our friendship may have been saved."

Half time came and went, with Matlock's keeper finally kept busy as he peeled a banana in the changing room.  Within a few minutes of the restart, Michael Wilde was thrown on for the Blues and immediately set about introducing some elements of a football match to proceedings.

First, the drastically Scouse forward scored the first and only goal of the game.  Matty McGinn sent a hopeful punt into the penalty area and Wilde met the delivery - leaping like a salmon but heading like a more conventional human being – and looped the ball over the goalkeeper, into the net.

Then, with the game limping towards its conclusion, Wilde got himself sent off, picking up two yellow cards.  His second - which earnt him his marching orders in the dying minutes - was due to a late tackle, which Chester fans think he's entitled to put in because he's a legend, but that referees aren't that keen on.

Manager Neil Young reacted in the way any good manager does - by venting his frustration in a comedy rant which got a laugh from a few of the players before the referee sent him to the stands to sit on the naughty step.  Young sat down in a sulk, and his misery was compounded when he realised that he'd left an open packet of Jelly Babies on the bench.

"By the time I got them back, Gaz Powell had eaten all the red ones," sobbed Young in his post-match interview.

Referee Mikey Toot-Toot gave a lighter account of the game.

"I wrote "Young and Wilde" on the red cards page of my notebook, which is coincidentally how I describe myself on my profile," revealed the match official.

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