Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Player out of Focus - Michael Wilde

As close to a legend as Chester FC has managed to produce thus far, unnecessarily Scouse forward Michael Wilde has won all kind of plaudits on and off the pitch.

Overcoming a voice that is unnervingly similar to that of Steven Gerrard, Wilde scored 37 goals in his first season for the Blues, but it's his photograph tally that the striker is most proud of.

"I get in loads," boasts Wilde.  "Whilst I was injured, I was rolled out everywhere like some kind of royal envoy.  I've notched up somewhere around 64,300 photographs in my time with CFC, which means I'm in second place behind Grenville Millington, who recently broke 70k.  I'm well ahead of Gary Talbot at the moment, but he's putting in a steady shift, so I've got to keep my wits about me and make sure I keep sneaking into the background of Simmo's weekly man-of-the-match picture."

Chances on the pitch this season have been limited for Michael Wilde, following excellent performances from Matt McNeil, and a stubborn refusal from Neil Young to accept that no matter how much money he spent on Jamie Rainford, it just wasn't going to work.

"I can't believe I've lost my spot to McNeil," bemoans Wilde.  "He's like 102 years old.  There was more chance of John Danby being dropped for Grenville.  Although that almost did happen to Judgey, actually."

A fan’s favourite, Wilde's demotion to the bench has left the Harry McNally Terrace with precious little to sing about, and whilst a couple of muted attempts at "Michael Wilde, Chester's number 15... Or is it 17 today?" have been heard, the atmosphere around the Exacta has been rather tempered.

"I came up with a chant of 'Matty McNeil is a Super Seal', but I got punched in the jaw for even suggesting it," sulked a fringy teen when asked about the lack of innovation in the stands these days.  "To be fair though, it was rubbish.  I ran out of rhymes after the first line, and any chant where you wind up referencing 'the services at Keele' probably isn't going to take off."

Wilde is also a fully-fledged children's coach and regularly runs soccer schools in connection with Chester FC, where he creams fifty quid a head for teaching kids how to flatten a goalkeeper and get away with it.

"I also show them how to kick the ankles of a defender on the sly, and I've got a video of my penalty at Radcliffe so that they can see everything that can possibly go wrong with taking a spot kick," enthuses the big forward.  "Keep duking me those fifty bones, parents."

Asked about the Wilde Thing t-shirts, and matchday announcer Peg Legg's insistence on playing the classic song by The Troggs now and then, Wilde tenses up.

"I am not a 'thing', I am a human being," he says, tears appearing in his eyes.  "Also, do you know how many times I had to laugh at people referring to my newborn son as 'Wilde Child'?!  It wasn't funny the second time!"

"It was funny the first time, like.  Good pun."

Michael Wilde is available in all good retail stores.

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